reality bites

i missed d wake. i'm d freakin coward escapist. do i not noe how 2 face death?! how come i chose 2 back out?! is it cuz i feel i'm incapable of dealing with d situation? or do i juz not want to grapple with issues of death again. nice try huh, proclaiming tt i'm a changed person with refreshed views n perception after reading some book, den when death really throws itself in my face, i chickened out. is dis a test? if it is den i'm gonna hafta say i flunked it. real bad. dun think i can bear 2 see d look on benny's face. he wld be juz like my bro when he died.

same. cold. hard. pale. pasty.

benny left juz as abruptly.

God i hate it. why.

old frenships

hmm.. wanted 2 catch a ten plus movie at pS but decided 2 juz sit ard n stone dere when we realised only d most front row was left. met quite a few pple dere. d minute i stepped into pS n was wondering where 2 walk next, shiyin tapped on my shoulder. she was catching the eye 10 with her sec sch frens. we had a short chat cuz it's like i haven't seen her for quite some time. talked abt how small d world is n all, as we noe foong n christine. anyway she happened 2 pop by christine's house n i was quite surprised she actually bothered to tell shiyin abt our trip 2 genting together abt like 2 years ago? even showed her d photos n all. hmm.. well ok. it was really fun n memorable anyway. yeah.. i wld give anything 2 go there again.

saw evelyn a lil later when i was in d queue for tickets. she's into teaching now! lucky kids eh, such a pretty teacher! heh.. den when i went 2 d ladies 2 wash my hands after eating, i saw charmaine. she's still as bubbly as ever can! told me she was juz chillin n hangin out with d sa council pple of her batch. it's nice dey still meet up now n den. after tt i turned d corner n was walkin back when i bumped into hera, shulin n ivy. it's really a day of meetin old frens man. seems like many pple hang out in town on a weekend evening. haha, duh!! stopped n chat again. so much has changed since d last time i saw them. n to think i haf known them since my working days in borders. whoa.. those were my post jc days.. haha.. eons ago. so tt's abt it. gotta slp.. dog tired.. 5 am.. gosh.. d boys n marc r at jon's house, bet they're still playing mahjong or something.. hope dey're havin fun! :)

life n death

thank u kat n shanice for making my bdae so memorable. i mean, u girls didn't hafta do dis k, but d effort behind d present n all d precious words penned were really appreciated. truly touched n all. well u be sure tt i will definitely treasure it k? abt d things u all wrote on d card, ahem.. try ya? not tt i wanna be lidat all d time man. pls understand k? love u all!

well so much for thursday nite. as for 2day, i was having ny alumni training as usual when meihua called in d middle of nowhere. it's uncanny how i managed 2 pick it up juz as she called cuz my mobile was on silent mode n i had even switched off d vibration. juz so happened i was checking my phone when it rang. with it came really bad news. my jc guys bball team mate benny had juz passed away earlier on due 2 a motorcycle accident. apparently at tt point of time his body was being transported back 2 singapore from somewhere else, malaysia maybe. d wake was 2 be only a one day affair. dis news hit me quite hard. i mean i've been 2 wakes n all b4 but nv was it for someone tt close to me. sigh.. anyway it will be tmr. hope i can hold it in. i dunno how mei n some of them r gonna feel la, those much closer to him. especially bangwen n yaohui n kenny. n it's like his death anniversary falls on my vice cap xiaojia's birthday. there we were celebrating life n all.. shit.

the transcience of life...

祝我生日快乐

我知道伤心不能改变什么 那么 让我诚实一点
诚实 难免有不能控制的宣泄 只要关上了门 不必理谁

一个人坐在空荡包厢里面 手机 让它休息一夜
难 像切歌切掉回忆的画面 眼泪不能流过十二点

生日快乐 我对自己说 蜡烛点了 寂寞亮了
生日快乐 泪也融了 我要谢谢你给的你拿走的一切

还爱你 带一点恨 还要时间 才能平衡
热恋伤痕 幻灭重生 祝我生日快乐

温岚


to yOu..

remember the happy

thanx all who remembered n sent me their well wishes :) thanx marc, kalai n zw for keeping me company, n in d end we had one hell of a time getting shit scared in someone's room n all. shan't elaborate i think haha.. it was still fun. thank u who literally spread d word ard to like so many of the kx n xl boys, embarrassing!! but these boys la, oh well nvm :) thanx also to kat n shanice, n for playing d silly prank on me. n to dear poor marcus who's got too many chicken poxes.. ur song was lovely :) hope u get well soon so we can see tt handsome face again!

was a lil disappointed i didn't hear anything from jeannie though. n someone as well. tt someone? oh, marc i noe who u're thinkin tt i'm thinkin abt.. but nope! u got it all wrong. hehe :) anyway was quite happy n it was all tt matters. thank u all. much love.

hits n misses

carmie's having her block test this week. hope everything goes well 4 her. she did seem rather worried when i bumped into her at mac on sunday. n a div's round d corner. but i haf confidence in her man. jiayou girl!
saw foong on sunday too but was in no mood whatsoever 2 tok much 2 them despite myself. wonder how he's doing.
emily's prolly real busy with school. haven't been hearing from her n all. hope she's good.
weiling's like disappeared since after ruthie's wedding.. dunno wad happened..
will be meeting up with kathryn n shanice this coming thurs after work. to get together n also to celebrate i guess. finally can see them man. been wanting 2 catch up with dem 4 so long.
poor lil marcus has got d chicken pox. farnie how he put a plaster on his forehead over wad he thot was an ugly bump during training on sat. den it came. luckily i've had it already.

so much for d frens i've been missing.

anyway some of ruthie's wedding photos were put up on d sa bball yahoo photos by san, but it turned out dere wasn't enuff storage space tt's y so far she had only managed to post like most of ah ma's photos up dere. quite farnie. all d boh liao photos, haven't even seen d real stars yet. so duh.

went yuhua last nite with weilin. marc n zhiwei n guanhan were dere. plus some xdz. i played a lil. shoulder hurt. stopped. ate. went home.

BLUES BLUes Blues blues....

hmm.. spent some alone time last evening. plenty of it. was surprisingly quite at peace with myself as i walked thru d throngs of pple in lot 1. realised a couple of things. things tt i took for granted n thot were there. or rather juz assumed were there. which turned out disappointing and all. silly me. y wldn't i learn my lesson. shdn't have such high expectations or anything u noe. one can only always depend on oneself. period.

eternity knows no bounds

harboured somewhere within the deep recesses of my mind there lies thoughts of yOu. healing wounds gape over time.. how funny this thing called time, should ironically be the only apparent tool promising hopes of alleviation from hurt. how humourous that it should ultimately and surely be the very epitome of my downfall. luring me into greater insanity. into greater solitude. incessantly driving one further into helplessness and despair. and where would yOu be if i were dead?

aLL things fouL and piTifuL.. aLL probLems greAt n smaLL..

ain't in a good mood. ain't got d cheers at all. weird tt i shd feel this way. had only been enjoying myself wasn't i?! thot i had lots 2 update. so much to saY. now even tt whim has fled me. wad is it?! i miss everything!! is concern a luxury??!! bloody system u haf here eh? darn.

cLoseR

hmm.. i haven't blogged 4 d darnest longest time!! work's piling up like mad n it's all cuz of dis stupid new system of receivings n stuff. bleah. on with d rest proper anyhow..

i finally got to watch closer on friday nite. wei was nice enuff 2 watch it with me again cuz she had already caught it with des. well marc said it wasn't veh good. but i kinda liked it. dunno man, our taste vary so much when it comes 2 movies haha.

crashed at wei's place again, n des was dere too. thot she was gonna be dead asleep when we got 2 d room but she woke up str away. it was like 2am can? turned out she juz had her tongue pierced in d afternoon (ouch!!) so she cldn't really slp well. den she had 2 hog all d pillows cuz being propped up on bed was a necessity else she'll drool all over. she can't really swallow her saliva properly u noe. wad a torture. plus she had 2 keep on imbibing really ice cold water almost thru'out d nite, which meant she had no slp, n neither did i. we shared d same bed ma. wei's bed. kinky! hah.. well wei had dis weird habit of not sharing d same bed with des whenever she stayed over so tt means she was sleepin on her gigantic crumpler bean bag on d floor while we had d bed. haha.. aiyah des was so poor thing la.. but getting her tongue pierced was somethin she had always wanted so yeah. she's like wad d hell man. anyway it was bad 4 me cuz i had ruth's wedding 2 attend d next day! woke up really groggy n all.

now 4 d wedding.. it was really sweet. d art museum was a great place, juz a tat bit small though. pple soon filled up d hall n spilled over 2 d side exits. saw many ex sajcians from my batch. anyway all of us bballers looked really diff on tt day man haha.. clad in skirts n dresses n wad nots.. i had alice help me put on some make up hehe.. n even ecstasy wore a dress! mr khoo like commented tt she 'gai3 bian4 xing2 xiang4' woohoo.. during d reception a few of us had dis special prog for ruth, we sang 'the prayer' but it was kinda screwed up 2wards d end.. sigh.. so embarrassing can!! sheesh.. on d whole it was an extremely hectic day 4 most of us cuz d girls started out with d bride n all early in d morning. heard dey had a gd time 'tekaning' d groom. anyway u can tell clifton really loves ruth juz by d way he sings 2 her man. he's like super well known 2 be unromantic from wad i've heard, but those two numbers he did were so touching la.. d brothers with all d roses looked kinda silly albeit sweet..

oh did i mention tt weiling looked really pretty in her gown? haha.. she's d bride's maid ma.. so besides d bride she's like d chioest liao la haha.. ya man.. bet many pple were juz so staring at her when she walked in. but still she looked a lil like a malay haha.. dunno who kept harping on it. but quite true la.. so means she's a very pretty malay looking girl. hiak hiak.. :)

haiyah.. run out of time again.. rest of d updates later den.. ploy!! haven't heard from u eh!! how u been?! :p

The Blower's Daughter

suddenly remembered dis song tt emily asked me 2 listen 2 some time back. nice..

---------------
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new

Damien Rice

goOdniGht nA

received a really cute msg from 1 of my lil thai frens last nite. she ended it with 'goodnight na', n according 2 my junior hui, it's like our 'la' at d end of sentences, only it's actually a polite article.. hmm.. so i think we really a lot less polite haha.. haven't heard from all of dem in a while, n i stil haven't goten down 2 learning my thai yet! sheesh.. wad a procrastinator! if u recall, i actually mentioned in my very 1st entry i'm gonna call my best fren n all.. 2 fix things.. but u noe wad. i haven't done tt yet either! sigh. maybe i shd consciously put my words into actions more.

but juz feel i dun haf enuff time u noe. work till like 6 everyday, den after a while it's nightfall already. n dere r always so many things 2 do. hmm.. i muz get down 2 impt stuff 1st. rite now it's preparation for ruth's wedding dis saturday n all. my dearest sa senior cum fren. i dun even noe wad 2 wear yet! argh!! only haf dis skirt 2 start with, gotta get d top, n nice but formal shoes 2 go with it, n prolly some lil bag for my stuff, n gotta get some make up la, can't possibly borrow cuz it's like diff pple haf got diff skin colour, i may look freaky if i used someone else's. n i still dunno where 2 start. we're gonna perform a song 4 her n clifton, n d weding dinner's formal, so everything muz be proper. 1st time i'm fretting so much over a wedding, cuz it's ruth's mah.. wah!! so many things 2 get. shitty man. haha.. oh no, n with 2 days left too.. no! 2 evenings more exactly. den d thing is friday's out cuz we gotta rehearse d song again at em's house, we're juz not dere yet, need lots of final touch-ups. we're singing The Prayer, with some altered lyrics. so i haf 1 day 2 get my stuff, n tt's 2day! SEH~!!! can die.. blah blah blah.. so i realise now i can't watch closer with weilin unless it's like d 9 plus show cuz i gotta shop b4 tt. die Die DIE!! somebody save me..

aLwayS loOk on thE brighT side Of life.. doo doo.. doo doo doo doo doo doo..

hmm.. ok maybe i was a lil too emotional dere in d last entry.. griping abt everything n all.. sheesh! haha.. anyway dis is indeed one of my worst experience, dis bad knee of mine. n now it cld be bad shoulder n back.. darn, i'm like so coming apart can?! so if anyone wans 2 get 2 me dey'd noe wad 2 say. it drives me crazy. but den again, dere r still many more who're worse off n not as well n healthy as i am. so yeah.. i shd be thankful, n not go on lamenting abt wad all d dun haves n wad i cld haf hads. okies.. off with d baggage. shoo!!

anyway these few days haf been.. well.. quite fun n all.. weilin's a nice person to tok to.. yeah.. n i can jio her to watch closer with me! haha.. hmm.. tt's all den..

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

hmm.. went 4 dis show after work 2day with weilin. d movie 1st started off with quite a dark feel.. but it was still veered towards a happy ending so yeah. not bad. pretty amusing n all.. really loved d youngest kiddo girl called sunny. she's d coolest! d other 2 older kids cld act pretty well.. but jim carrey was quite an overkill. saw 2 much of him. or maybe i was juz biased cuz he was such a good bad guy. haha.. pun intended.

so here i am. somewhere else again. n it was juz as well cuz i met my fren online n she said somethin 2 me which i thot was quite scary. d whole chunk was embedded with many inner meanings which i haven't yet figured out. oh well. wadeva.

anyway wad i really wanted 2 type out were my feelings n thots as i was walking out of ny after alumni training on sat. not much of training really, mostly playing full court with d juniors.. tt was all. as i was abt 2 leave after i put in my last shot, of course i walked over 2 jiaolian n said my gd bye. den she said d same thing she has been tellin me all these years ever since i incurred my knee injury d 1st time. 'u're a smart player. n u play well. if not for ur knee u cld haf been in d national team.' she always says tt. national team??!! n as good as it may sound, i actually hated it. i haf always wondered, is she giving me more credit den i deserve? or does she really think tt highly of me? i dunno. for wad it's worth, it cld be like wad she said or it cld not. either way my deepest regret is NOT having d chance 2 prove it. n i will never hav it again. ever. shit.

dis is like d worst thing tt ever happened to me. nothin i haf experienced was even half as bad as dis. failed friendships bad results lousy kinships emotional void blah blah blah. nothin even came close. as i was walking alongside d ny compound d scene of how i got injured replayed itself in my mind.. again n again. n angry tears juz trickled down. sometimes i still lament at God. why He let this happen 2 me. n why me. since tt fateful day bball has nv been d same again. nv managed 2 do wad i wanted. always hindered by dis lousy glitch in me. freaking lousy me. i cld jus lash out at all d world n feel no consolation whatsoever. cuz dere's no one who cld restore me 2 myself. wad cld i do. wadeva. nothin else really matters anymore actually. if only i cld haf had tt one chance. to prove to myself wad i can really do. juz once. i can't look upon others now n not feel a thing. something always wells up in me. maybe it's plain disappointment. i juz feel so.. wad's d word.. inadequate. but i dun blame God. i mean.. how cld anyone blame Him rite?? sigh.. i juz noe i'm gonna regret wad i said here. aarrgghh.. SHIT!!

-she'LL be cOming rouNd thE mOuntAin-

plopsies!! d title was dedicated to u, thus plop! la.. it was meant as a pun n u didn't catch tt.. haha.. i'm not mountain k. u are.. try to decipher this title.. it's abt u too! :) u muz be really bored man.. i really pity u.. if i can find time i go thailand visit u k? den u can bring me ard, n in doing so, haf something meaningful to do heh..

anyway i thot i was gonna crash on my bed after i reached home at like 10 plus from meeting a fren last nite. turns out marcus jio-ed 2 go ktv, but as we were quite broke, we settled for a movie instead. so bathed n made my way 2 marcus' house 2 meet him n jinyi, where i bumped into christine, kaiting n shen downstairs. dey were playing cards n drinking. well kaiting n i chat 4 a while, d other didn't even acknowledge my presence. i mean wad gives man?! saying hi will die rite?! always act so cool n so act cool. -hurt- awww.. muahahaha.. crappy..

anyway marc, marcus, jinyi n i watched white noise at jp. regret! almost fell aslp. didn't really get d point of d movie. thot it wld haf fared much better. in d end d best part of d movie was d nachos n cheesy hotdogs hahahaha.. so tt was it. went home after tt. oh by d way jinyi fell down as we were making our way out from marcus' house. it was a really bad graze, on his left shin, cuz he missed d small drain, damn pain la! hope it's better now.

received some sad news yest from yan abt waikim's mom. she met with tt bad accident in malaysia. apparently it was reported on radio according 2 marc. musta been really major man. i feel sad 4 kim. i noe how it feels 2 lose a loved one. hope she'll be strong. will be attending d wake tonite with yan n mah. not really close 2 her but u noe. it's something i shd go 4 if i can make d time. maybe as a means of consolation? i dunno. but juz feel i shd go. okies.. chaos.

pLop! goeS the whiStLe..

ploy! haha.. nice to see ur comment here :) d dumb doodleboard decided 2 charge fees n juz deleted d thing off.. bleah.. didn't even bother 2 inform. irritating rite? hah. nvm, will haf something else put up soon. den u can tag dere ya?

it's getting more n more tiring at work. backstabbing on d rise as well. it's not good. juz realised how much shooting around of arrows is being carried out everyday rite under my nose. oh well. juz keep out of it. kena kena lor. wadeva.. heck! haha.. these 2 words. nice eh marc?

well nothin really interesting so far. met up with weiling n marcus n marc n hui to watch b div finals on wed. followed by ivp finals at sp. quite exhausting to be watching lidat. but d ivp guys' finals was worth every bit of my time. too bad nus lost by 2 in d end. thot dey cld haf won, it was juz so close.

end of d day, it was commented tt i was being very mean to someone. sigh.. maybe i really shd be more da fang. see how la. depends on my mood lor. haha.. chaos.

Vindicated

this song is best sung screamed out with all ur lungs in conviction. perhaps therapeutic in a way..

----------
Hope dangles on a string
Like slow-spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in
So mesmerizing so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So clear like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated
I am certain now that
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along and
I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my fingertips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep now
To ever swim against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away (4x)

Vindicated
I am selfish I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed, but I am cleaing up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself

Slight hope
It dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

Dashboard Confessional

meAn strEak in mE

morning sms: 'i'm sorry. will u dun ignore me?'

no.

gosh.. wad haf i done?