heated

today i finally experience wad it means to be in d heat of things here in my office. it was a super stressed day la! 1st it was already bad tt i was suffering frm monday blues, den dere was d meeting where d boss had 2 b ard, den he found out someone made quite a big mistake involving d ordering of some discs, n he was like reprimanding dis guy thru'out d whole thing. i cld sense d tension n fake laughter all around. quite scary. den i was busy with my stuff till now, with him behind us almost d whole day. phew! so glad it's over.. gonna relac jack! or play some ball.. or wadeva.. *wry smile*

who wans to watch finding neverland with me? can't find no one eh.. bleah.. *sulks*

'Loving someone is just as hard as not having someone to love.' - My Fat Brother

'Listen, Scott...' Sam stops and looks at me, squinting against the sun. 'I'm sorry Ellie dumped you. I'm sorry we make you feel lonely.'
'It's not that.' I look away.
'Come on. You've got so much,' Sam says, gently.
'Did I go after the wrong things? Did I just make the wrong choices?'
'We all have to make choices.'
'Or do you only know what the right things are when it's too late?' I look back at her. 'How do you do it, Sam?'
'Do what?'
'Connection. Commitment.'
'That other C-word. Choice. A choice you make once, to love that person, to be with them whatever they do, however they behave.' She glances beyond, at my brother. 'It's a choice you then make again and again, every day. For the rest of your life, I guess.' She looks back at me. 'Loving someone isn't just about holding hands and kissing in public. Sometimes it's just as hard as not having someone to love. Harder, maybe.'
'Do you think I made my choice too late?'
'Why are you so glutted about bloody Ellie?' She shakes her head, almost angrily.
'I... She...' I mumble, cowed a little by her harsh tone.
'She was a bitch, Scott. Just let it go.'
'All right, all right.'
'Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You've got so much. I hate to say it, but sometimes you're a little bit too caught up in yourself to see what's really there.'
'What does that mean?'
But Sam has moved on, walking away from me, hands in pockets, fast, straight and strong.

of eggs n luncheon

hmm.. guess wad.. i'm typing away at carmie's house now.. feelin really full from our sumptuous supper of luncheon meat n eggs haha.. tt has been our latest craze, not exactly d best selection, but dun ask me why.. :) well gettin tired man..

went to play ball at yuhua today after i spent quite some time at d salon.. now my hair's a whole new colour.. or colours.. haha.. so not me.. but i think it's ok.. not too "nan kan" or too bright.. kinda ashy i think? haha.. wadeva.. anyway.. dere were many pple at yuhua again, audrey n gang, weibin n gang, n cheryl poon was there too.. n others i dunno.. still ok la.. but left early cuz went to lot 1. n my god d first familiar person i saw at mac's was mr leong xiuhan la haha.. so weird.. it's a weird day.. feel like i'm in a weird mood.. a lil sian.. haha.. think tt's abt it.. tata~!

Ten Ways to End a Relationship

1. PATRIOTIC
I've got to dedicate myself to work of national importance.

2. SNOBBISH
Your time allocation has expired.

3. OVERWEENING
You are too fine a human to be held back by constraints.

4. PIOUS
I shall pray you find happiness elsewhere.

5. MELODRAMATIC
I'll kill myself rather than go through this torture any longer.

6. PATHETIC
I'm not worthy of love. I can't stand anyone to see me like this.

7. DEFENSIVE
I don't have to give any reasons.

8. SINISTER
I've been sleepwalking with a bread-knife lately.

9. LECHEROUS
I want to f*** your best friend.

10. PHILOSOPHICAL
Well were we really going out anyway?

Henry Normal


hahaha.. i think this is really funny.. :)

hustLe & BustLe

came 2 work today n was thrown rite away into a frenzy.. busy sat morning. so was friday, thus explains d reason i didn't blog yesterday, rare indeed. so guess i'll try to do a quick review of d past 2 days n cut it short, cuz i'll be punching out in like 20 mins time! bliss. :)

left work on thurs n headed for sa. dey were supposed 2 "cheong" labrador park tt day, reminds me of d times wen WE used to almost die dere hehe.. surprisingly carmie wasn't ard, cuz she had 2 go 4 chem tuition, n both coach n her weren't exactly happy with each other over dis. communication prob la, nothin more i hope. well anyway wen i got dere mr tan was already debriefing dem. since d guys were still trainin, i took d opportunity to give a couple of them centres some pointers cuz dey asked me after their frenly match on mon. think it was pretty much a fruitful session even if it was only 4 a while. realised dere were quie a few things tt mr tan usually didn't haf time to touch on individually. hope i'll get other chances 2 do dis with them again.

got a lift frm mr khoo after tt. drove me 2 alex village 4 dinner n we had a real good chat. been a long time since we last did tt, n i'm really glad we had. he actually commented tt he seldom communicates with d girls like he used 2 with d previous batches. he den went on 2 conclude tt it was prolly cuz mr tan is now more confident with speaking 2 d girls on his own, therefore resulting in less chances 2 gather everyone as often. think tt wld haf been better though, cuz i believe tt with mr khoo's experience n all, d overall response wld haf been better. but it's not in my position 2 give my opinions on how mr tan shd coach, n neither did he feel tt even he shd interrupt mr tan's own coaching style. so we left it at tt. wen i was abt 2 b dropped off near his house, mr khoo popped a qn tt really caught me by surprise. if any of d old girls knew it dey wld be wide-eyed too i believe. haha.. but i'm not gonna say wad it is. it's juz weird tt he asked. he held me in confidence so yeah.. can't help it. weird though.. really really weird..

anyway, i missed d match bet perth wildcats n sydney kings. d tics were too ex, n i wld haf been late cuz of work. juz feel tt i missed something really good. i believe d atmosphere wld haf been awesome. den i realised juz now tt esther had free tics n she didn't wan it.. it's like argh!! oh hell.. but playing ball at yuhua was quite fun too.. so many pple were dere.. bin n gang, becca, debbie n haising.. baozhen n gang were there too but dey left for 108 shortly after. all in all it was darn farnie playing with becca la.. noisy oso man.. gotta say this really farnie thing tt happened, guanhan saw becca walk into yuhua n he shouted really loudly "laode!!" haha.. marcus was so rolling on d floor when he told me tt.. hilarious man.. who ask him la, had to shout meh haha.. okies.. gotta run..

argh!

haha.. dumb me.. changed d template n now my doodle board's gone. shitty. got d html code n pasted it in d same place on d template but nothin seems to be working. need ur help again carmie! bleah.. bear with it ya ppl? any comments pls comment it on my comments.. haha.. la la la la..

I So Liked Spring

I so liked Spring last year
Because you were here;-
The thrushes too-
Because it was these you so liked to hear-
I so liked you.

This year's a different thing,-
I'll not think of you.
But I'll like Spring because it is simply Spring
As the thrushes do.

Charlotte Mew

heartless creature

heartless

1.Devoid of compassion or feeling; pitiless.

i think i'm becoming that. unfeeling. uncaring. unkind. unemotional. unsympathetic. hard-hearted. cruel. there.. guess i've trashed myself enuff i suppose. next!

ha. ironic. to think tt we used 2 b so close frens. used to. n so it went, she msged me last nite, sayin she was in pain n asked me 4 help. in wad kind of pain i dunno but it was like in d middle of d nite la. almost didn't wanna reply at all, juz as i haven't been all along. besides, carmie n sf were chillin at my house, wld rather talk 2 dem anyway. den i got a quick missed call. d kind tt starhub free incoming call users give. carmie said she had 2 b checking if my phone was switched on. man, i wldn't haf thot of tt if she hadn't told me. i mean wad the?? it wasn't till dey were abt 2 leave tt carmie suggested i shd at least msg her back if not call. *shrug*

thereafter i thot tt i'd better msg her, cuz i wldn't wanna b d last person she tried 2 contact if she really really died or somethin. haha.. sounds morbid i noe. but wad d hell. so i replied. nothin. den i finally decided 2 call juz 2 make sure she didn't already die. still nothin. dead? haha. am i making dis seem farnie? well, den i called hy 2 confirm my suspicions abt her death. realised dey kinda quarrelled juz b4. she has been paranoid over stuff, feelin insecure abt hy's feelings etc blah blah blah.. i knew it. tt's y i heard frm her. how typical. tt settles it. den i msged her : 'look..called u but u din pick up so i've done wad i shd.pls dun come 2 me only wen dere's no1 by ur side cuz i'm no longer d same dodo u once knew alrite.' somethin 2 tt effect. n something abt dodos r already extinct so let it stay tt way. so corny n lame still. haha.

ya i'm talkin abt lirong. unfeeling n hard-hearted, tt's wad i haf become eh? got an sms frm hy dis morning abt how i've wronged lr n tt she's no longer d same anymore n wad nots. bah.. humbug.. heard enuff. done enuff. said she's destined not 2 haf any closed ones beside her, juz cuz i'm gone, when all dis while she still has so many who stood by her. as always, nv appreciates wad she has. if dey knew wad she'd said dey'd be so hurt la. i'm glad i am where i am. rid of emotional dependency. think tt shd be d last i will hear from her. closes 1 of d chapters in my life. for good.

i haf indeed changed quite drastically. 4 better or worse? we shall see.

cAn't cOmprEheNd

excruciatingly painful thumb - intense throbbing head - wobbly hurting knee - croaky throat - grouchy mood - one forever peevish n grumpy colleague - still very queasy stomach - d wish to be at b div matches - sleepiness - wonderment of d human mind

these r bugging me at present. wad a woeful wednesday. self pity comes-a-knocking.. wallow.. wallow.. incomprehensibility strikes me every now n den. at times like these, d world seems juz a darker shade of blue..

Give Yourself a Hug

Give yourself a hug
when you feel unloved

Give yourself a hug
when people put on airs
to make you feel a bug

Give yourself a hug
when everyone seems to give you
a cold-shoulder shrug

Give yourself a hug--
a big big hug

And keep on singing,
'Only one in a million like me
Only one in a million-billion-thrillion-zillion
like me.'

Grace Nichols

sOme goOd nEws

think i'm gonna head down to yuhua str after work, been quite a long time since i last stepped in dere, kinda miss d court n d pple, haven't seen them for a while.. marc.. marcus n kaiwen n gang.. miss d contrasting seriousness n crap tt comes from all of them. haha.. stark contrast if u ask me.

anyway juz heard some gd news from marc abt the b boys.. our boys.. they're doing quite well i shd think. glad to hear tt, really.. looking good! so keep it up ya? :) time to go now.. **elated**

piNk tueSdaY

well wad do u noe. i skipped monday blues this week. haha.. go figure. feeling in a pink mood now, dun ask me why. d weekend has been generally prob free n quite enjoyable, cept for my mom's thingey with d freaking short fart boss. he's darn short, barely 5 ft i think. lousy dumb ass. haha.. is it this blog or am i getting cruder by d day? sheesh! not good. i always say "do wad's right", gotta practice wad i preach rite? yeah..

watched shall we dance on sunday evening. it was a pretty sweet movie. i loved d way j.lo did her tango. n all d rest of d dances for tt matter. she's great at it. a natural. n richard gere's so charming.. but he so cannot dance for nuts! haha, not pro enuff anyway. d ending was real sweet, but kinda surreal.. like it doesn't ever really happen in real life this way.

hmm.. yesterday's frenly.. was d ref. did my best to be impartial n all.. along with someone else. juz thot he didn't really blow fair. but oh well.. who's 2 judge. this kinda thing has always been ambiguous anyway. it was quite stressful 4 me, nv involved in a game with this kind of intensity b4. emotionally. glad it's over. it was supposed to be a FRENLY la.. big deal. was kinda disappointed with d juniors though. thot dey cld haf done better. for some, dey let their emotions get d better of dem. hope dey get thru this n emerge much stronger. i haf faith in u k?! :)

saw tt marc's 2nd training went better dis time. surprised tt d girls' attitudes were not as bad as i made out to be. hmm.. potential eh.. jiayou man! ok lunch time.. shoot.. my stomach feels queasy..

dun yOu be mean

so shitty.. if u think u can juz bully my mom.. u're so darn wrong.. curse u to hell.. bleah.. my mom got bullied by her stupid ass of a boss today, n it makes me real angry. first time i felt like tt though. but tt's not d point. she's not someone who u can talk down to u freak. dun let me see u.. or else..

actually i dun really no wad i'm gonna do, but i'll sure as hell give u a piece of my mind.

anyway i think i noe now wad's been bugging me. monday. wad's gonna happen on monday? i'm gonna see all my bao beis again. but this time d setting n atmosphere wld be entirely diff from b4. things have changed tremendously since d last time. possibly drifted cuz of many reasons. diff ways. diff thinkings. diff priorities. well.. prolly gonna see some pple i dun wanna see as well.. n yet looking forward 2 this frenly game. hope it turns out well for everyone. yawn..

bLurrY

had a crappy start to my day. was already gonna wake up n get ready 4 work from barely 1 hr of slp but my mom juz irritated d hell out of me. had half a mind 2 stay home juz 2 spite her. argh. but here i am. if i had done tt i wld be back 2 square one. i'm tryin 2 be amiable but she juz goes n starts it all, flushing wadeva goodwill efforts i had intended down d drain. shit. shall try harder next time.

d something tt's bugging me is gettin worse.. wonder wad d heck it is man. sigh.. hope it goes away soon. if not i think i'm gonna hafta try meditation. haha. well i'm juz gonna delve rite into my work 2day so i wun doze off. here goes nothing.

thoughtful thots

haiz.. poor marc, so demoralised after d 1st training at guangyang sec. but i haf confidence in him tt he will be able to do it.. it's always d hardest when u start something yes? as for the personal skills stuff.. u can't compare lidat u noe.. it's different to play n teach.. well.. he'll hafta come round to tt himself.. wadeva it is i will be supporting u k?

anyway i'm so tired now.. haha.. hung ard at home for a while with carmie, finishing my little bride.. it's quite hilarious to watch.. den she went back n we met up again to haf dinner.. n played 2 hrs plus of pool with her frens! haha.. nv haf i been at a pool place 4 tt long b4 man, didn't really play much but i wasn't bored la.. it was fun watchin them play.. den supper.. den yeah.. home.. but not after making another stop here la haha.. where else.. thinking of not going to work tmr.. but it's all talk la haha.. wanna stick to my new year resolution!!

dere's something sorta bugging me today i dun really noe wad.. hmm.. tryin to pinpoint it but failing miserably. feel weird. possibly abt things tt i dun comprehend? like how i dun understand why some things happened in a certain way or wadeva.. sigh.. dun like this feelin.. tsk tsk.. time to be at peace with myself n try to sort out any thots tt r straying away.. hmm..

knOw whO I am

silly carmie.. haha.. she juz blogged on my blog.. tsk tsk.. blurrie hammie.. did d doodle board for me so shun bian add an entry for me too eh? anyway.. at sf's house now.. we were supposed to watch my little bride together last nite but i fell aslp rite away.. n now it's morning! she's still slping la.. musta been really tired after d whole planning thingey, after running ard making sure everything's in place, after even more running ard to make sure d jc1s were being sabotaged enuff.. haha.. crazy girl.

so i think d whole event was quite ok.. all went pretty well.. d games.. d food.. n up to d part where girls n guys sat down seperately with their seniors to hear wad dey hafta say. possibly to inspire them in wadeva way dey can, to convey n exemplify d passion tt dey felt for sa, hoping dey wld start to feel d same too so tt dey wld haf d desire to win n so on..

a long time ago, i was sitting where carmie sat n saying juz abt d same things tt she said.. but back den things were much simpler, it wasn't so much abt winning but rather abt being together as a family. cuz wad we had den was far from perfect. maybe a handful with some bball competion.. n d thing tt held everyone together was perhaps only passion for d game. den training tour really bonded us. i'm glad it did d same for dis batch too. cuz dis is not something a sch team can get to do every other day.

but somehow i feel someone's juz taking all these for granted, putting herself above everyone else, refusing to really put in heart n soul.. hope someone'll come round. juz cannot stand to see or know my fave team get demeaned in any way. if i cld, i wld haf loved to be in her place. but my time has passed.. hmm.. so abt winning.. it's a gd attitude to haf rite now, cuz d standard's entirely diff. well girls.. all d best.. n all d way.. up n on!

hey em!! it's ok la.. dun worry abt it or feel bad or anything. we HAFTA meet up soon yeah? haven't sat down n talked to u proper in a super long time! we go get our fave salmon or something hehe.. d party was good, but u guys were prolly much much crazier haha.. so see ya!

just got home from jc 1 orientation party... actually it was kinda planned in a hurry...but i'm glad that all worked out well! hope the j1s had fun...cuz i certainly did!

actually i spent half the day in the sick bay. was feeling super nauseatic and dizzy after morning assembly. couldnt' even walk properly. was praying for god to give me strength to get through the day so the orientation could run smoothly. and he did! i woke up at 1pm den went for my practicals den set up the games stations..just so glad everything worked out.. :D i'm superwoman lah.

be going to sf's house in a while...hungry...didn't eat anything the whole day...apart from the plate of fried rice. rar...can't wait to watch my little bride...hurhur...all thx to py :D

update later...tata

woo hoo hoo hoo!! - tiggerific style -

poor carmie. she's in d sick bay. giddy n nauseatic man. looks like she's having a worse off day den me! hang in dere k? seein ya soon!

hmm.. i'm feeling so much better now n u noe why? cuz i'm gonna knock off already! took half day leave for d sa welcome party thingey later. n am feelin so excited cuz i'm gonna meet marc b4 tt 2 acc him 2 his 1st training at gy sec. dunno y but juz feel so happy 4 him! he doesn't seem half as ecstatic as me though, aiyah.. he too cool abt it le! as he always is anyway haha..

hope em's gonna turn up later, but i doubt so. she didn't seem too keen to join me when i popped d qn last nite. :( eh.. dis early morning 2 b exact. hmm.. hope 4 d best. okies.. gonna fly out d door soon hehe.. :)

heeLs over heAd

my mind's a blank. as has been for the whole morning. guess it's cuz i slept barely 2 hrs b4 dragging my butt out of bed. argh.. hate these waves of spaced out feelings i'm gettin. like i'm in a constant dream, n everything ard me's so surreal. everyone's a blur whizzing past here n there. mumbling words i dun understand. n i cld fall anytime juz to find myself being jolted awake. dun wanna wake up in dis state. takes d life out of u. i'm falling.

- mY brOtheR -

at sf's house rite now.. tt's y i'm blogging at such an ungodly hour.. tt's y i CAN be here at such a time.. haha.. man! like i dun need slp!! so there i was.. watched "my brother" with carmie n sf at jp juz now. it was a really touching show. made me think abt MY brother. prolly lookin rite down at me now from up there thinkin y i'm not using my time for other more impt stuff.. shit. argh..

was thinkin a lot on d bus ride home after d show, n crappin along at d same time. was totally seen thru though. haha.. cannot escape ur eyes eh? but wasn't depressed tt's for sure. juz thinkin back on d stuff tt i cld haf done more for him u noe. n d things i shdn't haf said n blah blah.. roomful of regrets? perhaps. cuz u nv knew tt he was gonna leave u juz lidat. no warning whatsoever. juz like in d movie, so unexpected. so sudden. leaves u so helpless u wanna cry out for justice u feel u'll nv get. beg for juz a few moments more. but it's all in His time. so i haf learnt. He always noes best. i shd want to be rid of this empty shell tt my soul is temporarily residing in as well. but it's not my time. not yet.. i think.. hmm..

dere was dis part when d "brother" said something tt struck me as very true. all things happen for a reason. ya man. u juz dun see d reason for them in ur own timing. well well..

anyway.. it was a picture of bliss in front of me even as i was thinkin abt all tt on d bus. haha.. how sweet eh.. very cute too.. some things can be left so unsaid n yet so divine. i realise my mindset abt many things haf changed drastically.. n i prefer it tt way.. so off with u! ye who art such a pretender. lean on the puerile me no longer.

bah... juz some random n incoherent thots.

oh, some good news for my good fren.. marc's gonna conduct his first training at guangyang sec for d c girls tmr. i'll be joining him for a while, hope all goes well! d sa girls r holding their welcome party for d new jc 1s later in d evenin. may d planned stuff go on smoothly n let it be fun n memorable for one n all. sleepy already.. shd head home soon.. yawnz..